Mimetic Meanness and Fitting In
sometimes we offend, sometimes we offend to fit in
🌟Instead of just ranting to friends and family about what I read on Twitter today, I decided to write some longer things so the broader world can join in.
Christian Bale as Patrick Bateman in American Psycho said it best.
My most quoted scene in the movie is when he's in the back of a car with Reese Witherspoon. She's talking to him and he's mostly ignoring her with headphones on. Then, she starts talking about marriage plans and he takes his headphones off to say that he's too busy at work to figure that out. She suggests that he should just quit his job; his dad owns the place so he doesn’t need to work. He hates the job.
"...I don't see why you don't just quit."
"Because I want to fit in."
Everyone wants to fit in.
Right now on Twitter, this manifests as people adopting specific language, often crude or offensive, that signals to the reader: “I am like this.” Even 50-year-old billionaires are cribbing the language of way-too-online Zoomers and right-wing MAGA-types posting from the trenches. I should be clear that while I’ll be attacking the use of a specific word and a specific type of person who uses it, swathes of this argument could apply to the other end of the political and social horseshoe (weird leftists that exclude and include via bizarre in-group language). Usually the lefties, while exclusionary, aren’t as mean about it.
As we enter into the arena—posting online—we continue the Roman tradition of carrying identifying banners into battle. Only now, our allegiances are made clear by specific words and phrases we choose to use.
Here are two examples of the behavior I’m talking about, but there are, like, thousands of tweets I could’ve pasted in here that show a dramatic rise of influential people using the word “retarded” over the past year:
I have one vivid memory of calling something "retarded."
I had built a habit of saying this word in middle school — it’s just what we all said and I never thought that much of it. By the time I was in college, I had grown aware that maybe it’s not the best language to use. I wasn’t saying it often and that makes this one memory stand out so clearly.
One Spring day, I was having some beers outside at a bar/restaurant on Stanford campus, and I called something “retarded” in front of a friend of mine. Unbeknownst to me, she spent a lot of time working with kids who had intellectual disabilities. Sternly and calmly, she called me out and explained why that language is offensive to a lot of different people and how, in general, it's just sloppy, weak, and punching down.
It was in front of some other friends and I remember a destabilizing wave of shame, embarrassment, and maybe even anger. Fortunately, I'm not prone to petulance, and I consider myself well-socialized and well-adjusted. So, instead of being weird or getting mad or doubling down I said: "yeah that makes sense, sorry" with my tail between my legs.
Here’s the thing: it did make sense! There really was no good reason for me to be saying that word, and I've almost never said it since.
Of course, I could have taken a different path. People can say whatever they want, after all: first amendment, just don't get offended, it's just a joke, who cares, I meant it differently, etc...But what's the point of crafting arguments that maximize my ability to offend? Why would I run towards meanness and unkindness?
Also, not that this is the deciding factor, but it's just inarticulate! Why not be more precise with your language? Be creative! Come up with a specific critique, an insult that's crafted for the moment. If the best you can do is mimicking the language of 6th grade boys, then you have other problems.
If you feel a general desire to say things that people find offensive, I suggest looking inwards. Maybe sometimes you're right! You should “be allowed” to say that thing that offends people because of 'xyz.’ More often than not I imagine you'll find nothing but weakness, insecurity, and the most small-minded bits of you.
To be clear, I am not personally offended by that word. If one were to say it in front of me. I might cringe a little, but I'd be cringing at you not the word. I’m cringing at what you think you’re gaining by saying it. Bonding and building community by way of being mean isn’t cool. It’s the most shallow form of connection.
There are better ways to fit in.